Because sometimes Good isn't enough

It's not new that my relationship with my parents have never been easy. Specially with my father. However, I chose to hide the things he did in the past in a box, and keep it far from light and from my memory.

Life hasn't been easy for me in the latest weeks. Yes, I choose to put on a happy smile, pretending everything is fine. Pretending I'm happier as I could be. Of course the thing about pretending and fake smiles, is that they only look real while you have someone to pretend to. When you get yourself alone, you realize you are as miserable as you were before and it hurts.

My day actually started quite nicely. Every time I wake up early, I get this energy from watching the sunrise. I had a genuine smile at work. When no one was watching. But of course, this had to be ruined.

Théo visited me after my class. We went out for lunch. He still has feeling for me and even though I accept the effort he is making, I'm getting more and more distant. Like the life I had with him belonged to someone else. Another me, in another time.

Paolo has been almost marvelous. He's nice, treats me like I should be treated. Makes me smile and forget the world hasn't been nice to me. We are terribly similar. He remembers me Mary. And that is absolutely amazing, for the best of course.
However, I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Nor what we are into.
Plus: when he's MIA I miss him terribly. And the loneliness comes to mind.

Regarding my father, he's put others first for as long as I remember. Today was just another example.
I don't mind his friends coming to visit. It was something we discussed about when I moved in: I give up my room until they leave. (Hi couch! How're doin'?!)
I offer my services: tourist guiding, cooking, etc.
This time I offered to cook my Codfish with cream. Peter loves it and I like people trying it and complimenting.
It was 18:30 pm when my dad called to warn me they probably wouldn't be dining. The pans were already boiling.
I know if it happened the other way he would be furious. Worst of all, it was Peter who called me to confirm they weren't coming at all. So here was I, with a pre-cooked dinner, alone.

Loneliness sucks.